Six weeks ago, my husband and I welcomed our peanut into the world. It was so beautiful yet so strange (for me). It was, as my husband describes it, a wonderful traumatic experience. We labored for 13 hours and pushed for 2 hours until he finally arrived.

I think I was confused as to why the baby wasn’t crying. I had this expectation that once the baby was here, I would cry, laugh, or respond in some way that would amount to the appropriate response after giving birth. I had little to no reaction once the baby was in my arms. I was frustrated that a handful of nurses rushed into our room, overwhelmed with the noise from the staff and the machines… it was chaotic. Through all this, I remained emotionless and just looked around the room while my husband held my hand and kissed my forehead.

I felt disconnected. I felt detached from my surroundings, and it didn’t help that baby spent the night in the NICU. I did not feel like I had given birth. I knew I was in the hospital and that something beautiful had happened and I was no longer pregnant; however, I did not feel what I was told I would.

I so wished I felt joy and happiness once the baby arrived. I wished I would have cried and screamed at the top of my lungs that my baby was healthy and was here in my arms. I wished I would have wanted to count my little baby’s toes and fingers and cherish his little face. I wished I would have been able to press into that beautiful moment with my husband and hold him close. I felt nothing. I was so angry that I did not feel what I wanted, yet I was not actually mad… (hopefully, that makes sense).

Two days later, we came home from the hospital, and I still felt disconnected. I looked at my precious baby and knew I loved him but did not feel it. I knew I cared for him but did not feel I cared for him. I knew I had to take care of him but was only doing it out of instinct.

There were many days I laid in bed crying. I looked at my baby and cried because I knew I loved him but did not feel anything. There were many moments I stared at my baby, wishing I could be fully present and soak in all the moments I could live with him. I knew postpartum depression was natural, and baby blues were real, but I kept thinking this must be something else. I wished I wasn’t a mom because I couldn’t do it right. I found myself wondering what was going to happen with my life. It was hard. It was dark, and I was terrified. I couldn’t voice my concerns and thoughts to my husband. I did not find any joy in motherhood and wondered what I was doing wrong since I did not feel what everyone said I should. I cried out to the Lord and pleaded that He would give me strength and not abandon me.

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One day I woke up, and the fog lifted. The fog filled with fear, doubt, lies, and confusion… finally lifted. I don’t know what changed, but I knew something was different. Colors started to come back, and the songs I had sung began to come back alive. I am grateful my blues did not last longer than I could handle.

Six weeks later, and here we are… I can’t soak in enough cuddles, kisses, and coos with sweet Henry. He is absolutely perfect in so many ways. His coos make my heart leap, and our early morning feeds are my joy. The way he searches for my face when he hears my voice makes my heart soar.

Friends, my story of labor/birth to the first 6 weeks of postpartum recovery wasn’t what I had expected. I had thought that after giving birth, I would find myself on the mountain tops, but I found myself in the depths of the valley. It wasn’t butterflies and rainbows. It was damp, dark, and cold. I had found myself crawling my way back to the mountain top to where I knew my joy would be.

Maybe your story is similar or something completely different. Either way, none of our stories are ‘wrong’ or ‘unnatural.’ You may find yourself at the mountain’s peak or the valley’s feet. Regardless of where you find yourself, I can assure you that you will never find yourself without the presence of His grace and mercy.

Blessings,

R.

(Check in on your friends who are trying to conceive, are currently pregnant, or just gave birth. It’s so much more challenging than anyone can imagine).

People with depression may not recognize or acknowledge that they’re depressed. They may not be aware of the signs and symptoms of depression. If you suspect a friend or loved one has postpartum depression or is developing postpartum psychosis, help them seek medical attention immediately.