6 years later and I found this gem. It brought back rich memories of grace, love, pain, and hope.

– – – –

I’m twenty years old. In the past two years, my parents have disowned me, I had to flee from a potential death threat, my boyfriend broke up with me, I had to drop out of school for a season, I’ve moved five times and counting,  & in the next few weeks, I will be unemployed. 

I have lost all I have ever known. My dreams were taken out from under me. I have cried myself to sleep too many times. I have felt the deep longings in my heart that have consumed me for too long. I have felt this physical heartache in my chest that I believe will never go away until the day I die.

The cost of giving my life to the one in heaven… the cost of leaving all I’ve known to follow the prince of peace… the cost of losing the familiar faces so I could embrace a new life. It’s true – we never know the cost until it’s at our door. 

To be frank with you, I’m not sure I could keep going on today or if I even want to.

But amid my broken heart, here is what I haven’t shared with you.

In the middle of my broken heart and my brokenness, it is so beautiful, AND it plays a part in God’s will. Though the season is cold, bitter, and deadly… there is an anchor for my soul. There is something holding on to me, keeping me steadfast. There is something more; Jesus is sustaining my heart and my spirit to keep going, and keep fighting the good fight. 

There aren’t words to describe how difficult it has been. Life is hard. There have been so many moments where everything just sucked, and I couldn’t deny any of it. I couldn’t be ashamed to admit it… I had to accept it, deal with it, and move on. Nice words don’t cover wounds. The weight of the truth will heal the pain, and the scar will become a reminder of what has withstood the fire and the flame. 

I have found that sometimes there are caves and tunnels in the deep valleys. It may seem like the darkness will never end, the valley will never come to a stop, and the mountaintop will never be seen. But the truth is when we know the ending, our outlook on our journey changes (this isn’t to say that when our outlook changes, we “belittle” and “discard” our pain. It means that as real as pain is present – so is healing.) Things will not always be this way. I have come to this place of peace and acceptance. If in this life I have to walk through constant tribulations and experience hardships beyond all compare, but I get Jesus? YES! All the more, I say, “You can have this world but give me Jesus!”

I have come to love winter (still learning). I have come to endure the hard days because I am preparing the soil for spring in those moments. I am preparing to bear fruit in the season that is to come. Are there still hard days? Most definitely. Are there days when I don’t want to keep going? Absolutely. But this is where it matters most. When no one is watching, will I still walk with integrity? When I don’t have people rallying around me, will I still look to my audience of One? My answer is yes.  

Winter isn’t so bad. The trees are bare, the ground is hard and dry, the air is crisp and painful to breathe in, and sometimes the many layers aren’t enough to keep warm. But it is still so beautiful. I am reminded that life won’t always be this way. To every season, there is an end. To every ending, there is a new beginning. 

As Paul stated so beautifully, “For his sake, I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ. “

Keep going – your hardest days may be the most rewarding of them all.

Love,

R.