“So, I yield to You, and to Your careful hands.
When I trust You I don’t need to understand”
– Hillsong Worship

In the last few years I have transitioned to a new home in an old town. The loneliness was real, the fear was overwhelming, and the grief was crippling. What was God doing? Why did He call me back home? I was filled with so many questions and honestly, at the time, I was deeply disappointed in my Father’s Will.  In result of my heart not yielding to the will of God, I found myself in a pit of selfishness, anger, and I missed out on so many opportunities to love on others and to submit to the loving hand of God. I had led myself to believe that if this was God’s will then it shouldn’t be a lonely path and surely there’s been a mistake. For the longest time I had led myself to believe that if God loves me, He wouldn’t allow me to walk in this valley of depression.

If you are struggling with loneliness, to whatever capacity it may be, know that loneliness is real. It’s real because it comes to steal, kill, and destroy. It tells us that no one can and will understand our feelings and our hurts. It lies to us, spreading thoughts into our minds to believe that no one cares, and no one sees us suffering, that we will always walk this path alone. The reality is, if loneliness is not dealt with in the Word and surrounded by a God-fearing, God-honoring community, then it will lead us down a path that will require a great amount of repentance and restoration. Sometimes when God calls us out or calls us in, it may feel lonely for a little while. Loneliness does not result in “God made a mistake” or “If God loved me, He wouldn’t led me down such a lonely path.”

In my loneliness, I have found frustration, isolation, condemnation, and grace. I have found how easy it is to be Job’s friends and curse at the Lord and curse at all those who did not hold their end, to blame it on everyone and anyone but me. I have found in my loneliness that isolation breeds deception. I believed that I was not loved, not cared for and everyone was against me. Not only did this mind wounded me beyond what was necessary, but it also delayed meaningful relationships from developing.

Isolation provides us with the tools we use to put us in a place of doubt, false-wounds, and unforgiveness. I have yet again found how selfish, deceitful, and inconsistent the state of a human heart can be.

However, in my loneliness I have also found the sweet gift of grace. I have found the goodness and kindness of the Father’s heart even when I did not and do not deserve it. I have found the sweetness of communion with Jesus. I have found intimacy with the Lord in ways that without the loneliness I had been experiencing, I would have never had the chance to experience God’s presence in a new capacity. I have learned how to run to the King of Kings in times of loneliness.

Though I may have felt alone, I wasn’t alone. In times where it may seem loneliness is speaking louder than the presence of the King, I pray a covering of God’s grace over you and me so that we might find rest and comfort in His arms. Jesus is our advocate. When you don’t have the words to plea, to pray, to cry out, know and believe that Jesus is interceding on your behalf.

The many nights that you may have cried yourself to sleep, left a room full of people just to breathe and do all you can not to screaming, or when your closest friend told you that you needed to just get over it – in those moments, He was there. He saw you, your pain, how you struggled to fight, and He cares. He will go before you and He will never leave you. God is sovereign. He is sovereign over all. He is all-knowing, all-powerful, and the ruler of all things. In the middle of our hurts, God still has control even when it seems like our hearts will give way. The living God sees you, hears you, and loves you deeply.

There may feel like there’s no escape, especially in the dead of night. But in the quietness, in the confusion and in the heartbreak, as present as your pain is, also is Jesus. As present and persistent your hurt chases after you, God is too.

It won’t be like this forever. Keep going even if you are crawling in this season towards the finish line. Friend, it won’t be like this forever. You are not meaningless, and your suffering is not meaningless.

R.

“What if all my life I wrestle with this worry and anxiety.
What if the thorn deep in my side is only there to help me see That though I never asked for it, the desert is God’s gift to me”

 JJ Heller